Looks like I spoke too soon.

Well, I think I jumped the gun on thinking that I may have finally
turned the corner. Now, I found out the Staffer is not single, the Flame
is not single, and I'm back to the whole "talk to me once a month but
only if I talk to you first" thing with the Cowboy.

By now, you'd think I would have gotten the hint that I just must be
destined to live the rest of my life alone. I don't know what made me
think that this time would be any different. I'm definitely one of the
dumbest men alive.
--
Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®

If the fortune cookie says it, then it must be true.

Could I possibly be turning the corner? Are the stars aligning? I'm not convinced that anything is different. The Staffer still isn't giving me the time of day. The High School Flame still doesn't acknowledge my existence. But, the Cowboy emailed me...without me having to email him first! This is a huge step in our relationship, despite the fact that our conversations never cover anything other than the weather in South Dakota. I got dinner at Pei Wei tonight and two of the five fortune cookies I got said that "love is around the corner". It's really sad when a cookie is more optimistic than I am, haha.

Alone Again, Naturally

So the 28 month mark is rapidly approaching. I still can't believe it's been that long since I've so much as touched another man, not just played with, but even hugged, kissed, you get the idea. It feels like every time I try to make something work or a friend tries to find someone for me, it just never works out. The cowboy doesn't respond to my emails or make any effort to try to talk to me. My high school flame doesn't talk to me either. I swear, I'm just a bullseye for empty promises and lack of follow through. I signed up for yet another online dating site last night. Yes, I know, maybe fourth time will be the charm. It everything I had to not burst into tears while answering their profile questions.

How many men have you dated in the past six months? Zero.

How many men have you dated in the past year? Zero.

How many sexual partners have you had in the past month? Zero.

How many have you had in the past six months? Zero.

How many have you had in the past year? Zero.

No wonder I'm depressed! Priests get more action than I do.

What does a smart, semi-attractive young man have to do to find a nice guy? Body glitter is a deal breaker though!

My lesbian boss says that if she were me she'd be out there playing every night. Someone young like me should be out having fun. But where is the line between having fun and promiscuity? That's one line I refuse to cross. And it's a line that gays have a knack for blurring.

Sometimes I wish I were straight.

No that's not true. I'd have to like vag if I were. Ick....
--
Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®

Wait a moment while I remove the foot from my mouth.

That Wednesday was the day that proved me wrong. My grandmother woke my father and me up at about 5am to take her to the hospice to sit with my grandfather. I felt like I had risen from the dead, having barely fallen asleep just four hours prior. We got there at about 6am just because it took us so long to get going. The minute we arrived I headed straight for the recliner so I could try to catch up on rest. A few hours later, one of my stepaunts came, followed shortly thereafter by another. They invited me to come along to get breakfast with them, and I obliged them because I had only eaten a small bowl of cereal earlier in the morning. We all just sat around making small talk and in that moment I actually felt like I belonged.

I was so wrong about them and I feel terrible about having judged them. It's a shame that it was on the day my grandfather died that I realized that.

Family Matters

Tragedies have a strange way of bringing people together in ways that
they hadn't before. It's such a shame that it took the impending death
of my grandfather to make my mother's family and the family of my
grandfather's second wife closer than we had been in the past. We're so
much alike, a fact that my father pointed out in the car ride home from
the hospice where my grandfather is spending his last few days of life.
We each have our counterparts in the other family, it's uncanny. That
being said, I know my mother feels like she's being supplanted by her
"other", who, in a remarkable turn of events, has the same name as her.
I still feel like acquaintances to them, I know I'm not the only one. I
would have to liked to known them better. It's just so weird that we've
had more to talk about in the past two days that in the entire eight
years our families have been brought together by marriage. Although,
blending families rarely goes as smoothly as it did on "The Brady
Bunch". Look at "Step By Step".

I haven't felt this close to my parents in years. It's hard to believe
the circumstances that are bringing this about. God indeed works in
mysterious ways. I feel so close to them now, but there's still that one
thing that's coming between us. It's so strange to feel so out of place
in your own family. I want to tell them; I need to tell them. I think I
may finally have gotten the push I needed to make this happen, or at
least enough of one to move my...revelation from the back burner to the
front. But we'll see how the rest of the week goes.

P.S. Is it wrong for me to have a crush on a step-cousin? It's not like
we're actually related. It's more like a legal technicality. Trust me.
If you saw him, you'd understand.
--
Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®

It's not looking good.

That's all I have to say about that.
--
Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®

What makes people think...

...that Crocs are acceptable footwear? Now hear me out on this. I know everybody hates them; it's just my turn to think they're disgusting. If I wanted to walk around on hideous slabs of plastic, I'd make them myself out of saran wrap. Save an assload of money, not to mention the shame of wearing Crocs

And so it begins...

It's 3:30am and I'm about to leave with my family on a trip to Michigan. My grandfather has been sick for a while, so we planned this trip back in March to go see him. This past weekend his health took a sharp turn for the worst. I figured that now would be a good time to start my blog. I want it to be a cathartic experience for me with regard to my life and my family and my sexuality. I'm hoping this trip gives me some new perspective on what's important to me. We'll see how this goes.

We start with my father getting into a spat with a neighbor girl over her barking dogs. Fucking Cujo, I swear, like the hounds of hell. A while back I printed out the city's dog barking ordinance on the condition that he call the police first before mailing it to the neighbors.

Cut to us all in the car, one carryon item and one personal item in our laps, ready to go to the airport, oh wait nope, have to go the post office first. "One small step for man, one giant leap for quietness," he said. He probably shouldn't have done it the day we left town and won't be able to protect our property for a week. I'm sure everything will be fine because I doubt they're smart enough to do anything. I hid my laptop just in case.

We just made it to the offsite parking. God help us.
--
Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®